Jokes. Read one. Laugh at one. Post one.
KayK last edited by
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches.
A guy walked into a bar… and said “ouch.”
FrugalFreak last edited by
What is Forest Gump’s Facebook password?
1 forest 1
BarnyardRomeo last edited by
I was working on an art project making a belt out of old broken wristwatches. I never finished it because I decided it was a waist of time.
Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.
Not only was it really embarrassing but it cost me a fortune in stamps.
Oldie but goodie -
Mixed emotions = mother-in-law driving your new vette over a cliff.
kamal last edited by kamal
The missus said I could pick from among her friends for a threesome.
Apparently I was only supposed to pick one friend, not two.
Yeah, this one is a little long, but I thought well worth it.
Ove five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”
Around 80 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced), Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land.
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security funding, etc … I called a Suicide Hotline.
I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Krazy9Katz last edited by
@kamal i’m your fan. please come back and give me more jokes!
You have to wait until I find some more to steal, or deal with jokes reposted from the old fwot thread.
Krazy9Katz last edited by
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink,
takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here
Did you hear about the italian chef who died?
He pasta way.
My wife and I had an epic Mad Max day, today - we got hold of all four films and watched them back-to-back. Fortunately, I was the one facing the TV.
An elederly woman was able to adopt a baby [don’t ask how]
Her friends came for a visit:
_ “Show us this adorable baby”
___ “No, sorry, he is sleeping”
_“That’s OK, we won’t wake him up”
___ “No, sorry, it’s not possible”
_ “Come on ! Why can’t we see him ?”
___ " … I forgot where I put him"
Funny Police Reports in your home town:
About 10 years ago a Juneau woman picked up a totally naked man who was walking along the roadway and brought him downtown to his clothes.
When she was asked how she had dared pick him up she replied that she could see he was unarmed.
A woman reported Tuesday a man who continually calls her, sends flowers, writes letters and gives her meat.
Two people steal several bags of groceries from a store. They get caught because, as they leave the parking lot, they get in an argument, get out of the car in the middle of a busy four lane road, and start hitting each other with slabs of stolen meat.
A guy won a contest and got one free ticket to the Super Bowl. He was thrilled, but when he got to the stadium, he realized that his seat was in the upper
deck on the last row. He could barely see the field, so he began looking around.
Near the 50 yard line, about 10 rows up from the field, he saw an empty seat, and decided to try for it.
Once at the empty seat, he asked the man sitting next to it if it was occupied.
The man replied, “No.” So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.
“Who would have a seat so close to the field and not come?!?”
The man answers, “Well, that was my wife’s seat.”
“Where is she?” the guy replied.
“Oh, I’m sorry…don’t you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?”
“No, they couldn’t come.”
“Because they’re at her funeral.”
Joys of Shopping
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we’re making love,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser … at half the price.’
ganda last edited by
Halloween Party Host: What are you?
Guest: A harp
Host: Your costume’s too small to be a harp
Guest: Are you calling me a lyre?
Two guys were lying in their hospital beds waiting to go to theatre. One asked the other: "What are you in for?“
He answered: " an endoscopy”
“What’s that?” the first one asked.
“They put a tube down your throat into your stomach to check if anything’s wrong. What are you in for?”
“A camera up my backside.”
“Ah! That’s a colonoscopy” said the first guy.
“No” said the other, "My wife caught me taking pictures of our next door neighbour sunbathing in the nude.
On his way to work, a driver swerved to avoid a box that fell from a
truck. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Another officer had seen the carton in the road. He retrieved the
box and found that it contained tacks.
“Nonetheless,” the first trooper told the driver, "I have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked why. The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”
A little boy is playing on the beach when a wave takes him away.
His Jewish grand mother turns her head towards the sky and wails “Noooo, he is my only grandson !”
Another wave brings the boy back on the beach.
She turns her head towards the sky and shouts: “He had a hat !”
[Heard on the radio, from the book “Jewish comedy, a serious History”}
Gymnasts have to eat well balanced diets.
Does a manila folder = a Filipino contortionist?
v999 last edited by v999
A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.
They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them.
The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer.
The biologist analyzes the deer’s movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer.
The statistician drops his rifle and happily shouts, “WE GOT IT!!”
From my doctor:
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and was about to take off her underwear.
I realized she wasn’t pregnant, and that there were several cabs.
The NFL has finally come up with an effective punishment for teams that break the NFL rules. Violators will be punished by having the Cleveland Browns make draft picks for them.
kamal last edited by kamal
Finally, a fight I can win!
Gonna beat them so bad!
Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.”
Canadians: “Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”
Americans: “This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”
Canadians: “No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.”
Americans: “THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS RONALD REAGAN, THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ PACIFIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT’S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.”
Canadians: “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”
Americans: “We’re the 7th Fleet, brace for impact!”
ganda last edited by
Q. How did Roy Moore address the teenage girl’s sleepover party?
A. Let us prey
Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”
I’m a well-balanced person. I have a drink in each hand.
I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those little red knives.
zerenia last edited by
Wife to husband: "Oh, I have blisters on my hands from the broom!"
Husband to wife: “Hey, next time, take the car, silly…”
He never saw the frying pan coming straight for his head…
zerenia last edited by
A friend of mine, Jeff, posted this one on Facebook:
My doctor said eating right doesn’t have to be complicated, but it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors: greens, yellows, reds, etc and keep a balance between all colors.
After I got home, I assembled a bowl of M&Ms with equal amounts of green, yellow and red. After I ate it, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
gambit3 last edited by
Everyone knows that Albert Einstein was a genius.
His brother Frank, though - that guy was a monster.
v999 last edited by
Told by my kid’s Jewish classmate:
What’s the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
A canoe tips.
v999 last edited by v999
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
“However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
Medical Insurance Explained
(Originally written in 2003 when HMOs were being heavily promoted)
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered
that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he
was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the
plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories – those who are
no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no
longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining doctor
who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just
a half-day’s drive away, and a diploma from a Third World country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.
What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart
transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20
co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, I went to the store the other day. I was only in there maybe 10 minutes.
When I came out, there was a cop writing a parking ticket. I went up to him and said “Hey, c’mon, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He ignored me and continued to write the ticket.
I grumbled at him. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires. So I grumbled more loudly. People were stopping and staring. He finished the ticket and wrote a third ticket. This went on for around 5 minutes. The more I mouthed off, the more he found other things wrong with the car and wrote more tickets.
Finally I got bored and walked around the corner to my car. I didn’t care. The one he was writing tickets on had an “I voted for Trump” bumper sticker on it.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important at our age.
Buddha and the Seeker: This guy meets the Buddha, who asks what he has learned in life. The guy says “I spent the last 30 years learning how to walk on water”. The Buddha replies “Isn’t is easier just to use a canoe?”
"I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my Mother to stay for the weekend.
Dionaea last edited by Dionaea
True story - The local annual Christmas parade was last Saturday. The local art society had a float with one of it’s rather well-proportioned members dressed up as Santa’s elf, and a right jolly old elf was he, complete with long bushy grey and white beard. The float featured John pretending to make toys while another artist member sat at an easel pretending to paint him. After the parade, John (still in costume) stopped by the very popular and very crowded local non-chain donut shop. As he walks in, the whole place goes quiet, stares, and then everyone goes back to what they were doing. John walks up to the counter to place his order, and the clerk says…“Were you in the Christmas parade?” Without missing a beat, and with a straight face, John drawls “Nope, just got off work.”
The Mother in Law bought a talking parrot …
She took it back to the pet shop last week complaining “I bought this talking parrot from you a couple of weeks back and it hasn’t said a word!”
“I haven’t had a chance!” said the parrot.
I used to work at a lumberyard, when a customer came up to me and said "I want to build a display case for my wife."
I looked at him and said “You must be very proud of her.”
The missus told me that sex is always better on holiday.
Probably not the best postcard I’ve received.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a little stitious.
sublimosa last edited by
in 1732 the New Zealanders invented the first condom using sheep bladders.
in 1733 the Australians improved upon the design by first removing the bladder from the sheep.
sublimosa last edited by
The teachers says to the classroom “Today we are going to learn about multi-syllable words. Does anyone know a multiple syllable word?”
“Oh, I do, I do, I do!” shouts little Johnny bouncing up and down in his seat with his hand waving.
“Okay, Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”:
Little Johnny says clearly and excitedly "Mas-tur-bay-shun!!"
The teacher grimaces and says, “My Johnny, that’s quite a mouthful.”
“No, Miss Johnson, I think the word you’re thinking of is fel-lay-shee-oh!”
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Nowadays you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.