Jokes. Read one. Laugh at one. Post one.
Woman to her husband while at it: “Please say dirty things to me!”
Man: “Bath, Kitchen, Living room…”
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent…Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
VegasVegan last edited by
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, “Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.”
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, “Try saying things like, ‘I see’, ‘yes, go on’, ‘I understand’, and ‘How did you feel about that?’”
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No shit?!? What happened next?’”
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at thebar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to herand asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep withyou tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinksback to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. Shesmiles at him and says, "I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m agraduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond toembarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”
The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:
"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.Kiss me and I’m yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.
A Universal Remote Does NOT Control The Universe.
VegasVegan last edited by
A Universal Remote Does NOT Control The Universe.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”
supposedly true story:
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars; then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’ The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you.”
This is when you know it is cold outside
Our priest asked how things were going with my father. “Well, he has issues,” I replied, then shared a few details.
After listening, he said, “Issues? Sounds like he’s got a year’s subscription.”
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.
A husband reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife, with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives.”
His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it…half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it…
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer… Well, Mister, I told her!”
The origin of Cinco de Mayo.
A Mexican cruise ship left port on a week-long cruise around the Caribbean. But someone made a mistake and forgot to order mayonnaise for the cruise. All they had left was 5 jars of mayonnaise from the last cruise. Now we know everybody likes mayonnaise on their sandwiches. Not having enough mayonnaise to go around, the Captain decided to put a 500 peso charge on a dollop of mayonnaise. The passengers were irate to say the least. In protest they grabbed the 5 remaining jars of mayonnaise and threw them overboard, shouting, Sinka de Mayo, Sinka de Mayo. This, of course, like our Boston Tea Party, led to a holiday in honor of those brave passengers.
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I’d gained some weight,and I didn’t feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn’t have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M’s and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
zerenia last edited by
@tuskers Wish I could do more than just one upvote on this one…
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
“How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
FrugalFreak last edited by
A chemist walks in to find a man leaning against a wall. The chemist asks his new assistant, "What’s wrong with him? "He came in for cough syrup, I couldn’t find cough syrup, so I gave him some laxatives."
WHAT? the chemist says horrified, "You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!“
Of course you can the new assistant claims, Look at him, he’s far too afraid to cough!”
My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs … Smiled and said, “He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week”.
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, “WOW~~That’s more than twice a week! … You could learn a lot from him”.
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, “That’s once a day … You could REALLY learn something from this one”.
I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow”.
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin and then rode away together in a limousine. While still in the car, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church.”
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000.”
The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000.”
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”
They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
ganda last edited by
Q. Why don’t zombies eat clowns?
A. They taste funny.
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. “I’m 90 years old,” he says. “90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?” “Oh, sorry,” says the old man, "how much do I owe you?
Q. Why don’t zombies eat clowns?
A. They taste funny.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says “Does this taste funny to you?”
The clown looks up at them and says “Hey I’m not paying you two to talk!”
There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, “Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.”
“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.
“Then you can ask him,” replied the woman.
Hey son, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Pizza delivery guy, cable tv installer, or plumber, dad.
Stop watching porn son.
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Girl, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
“Oh, my gosh”, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?"
He said, "I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.”
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake everyday. He had no hands or no legs. One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, “No.” The woman said, “Well, what’s wrong?” The limbless man said, “I’ve never been hugged by anyone ever.” So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. “Are you okay now?” she asked. “No,” the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, “I’ve never been kissed before.” The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, “Are you okay now?” The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, “I’ve never been f**ked.” The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, “Now you are!”
ganda last edited by
Q. What do you call a limbless man in a lake?
Hope dumb blonde jokes are ok; I’ll delete if not:
A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, who belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
“I told her, 'First class isn’t going to Toronto.”
Calling home, the traveling vacuum cleaner salesman complained to his wife that he’d gotten two orders that day.
“But darling,” she declared, “that’s wonderful!”
“Not so wonderful,” he glumly corrected. “The first was ‘Get out’ and the second was ‘Stay out.’”
FMB1 last edited by
Chuck Norris wears Michael Avenatti PJs
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals.” One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?” “N,” she answered.
The Gregorian Calendar.
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.“Nothing easier,” Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters.
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read…
kamal last edited by kamal
A man was standing in the checkout line in a supermarket when a beautiful woman further back waved at him, somewhat worried that his memory was failing, he said,“Do I know you?”
She called back, “I think you are the father of one of my children.”
Thinking back fifteen years to the only time he had been unfaithful, he asked,“Were you the stripper at my stag party?”
“No” she replied, “I’m your son’s English teacher.”
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
“And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know
his wife until he marries her”
Dad: That happens in every country, son
Why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!”
“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too!”
Sorry I’m late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.
FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS
TSA disclosed the following
Airport Screening Results
2016 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA
It was also discovered that 308 politicians
had no testicles.
Thought you’d like to know.