# Jokes. Read one. Laugh at one. Post one.

• Canada legalized marijuana two days ago. Today they ran out.

• While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”
“We didn’t do nothin’,” the beachcomber said.
“The sharks got 'em.”

• Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man, you really look tired.”
His buddy says, “Dude, I’m exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don’t know what to do.”
A man, about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, “Marry her. That’ll put a stop to that nonsense.”

• What do you call a magic dog?

Relationships are a lot like Algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

My girlfriend told me she’s sick of me pretending to be a detective.
Girlfriend: "I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. I think we should split up."
Me: “Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.”

I spent six hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt.
It was a complete waist of time.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.
She said, “Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings.”
So I got her nothing.

• A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to ‘enforce the laws pending.’ He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, “Looks like you’ve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?”

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here’s a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?”

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird’s rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, “This here’s an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?”

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, “This here’s an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?”

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, “You’ve got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?”

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, “You’re so smart, YOU tell me!”

• A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturizer that makes you look ten years younger.

• Keeping abreast of the job market? This ad was in my outlook inbox.

• You are not worthless, organs go for a lot on the black market.

• A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

• Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, “You stupid fool! What if we don’t get that same boat today!?!?”

Someone in the assembly : I’m not going to ask Jesus where the midget porno is!

• On a cold Northern Ontario winter morning, wife texts husband: "WINDOWS FROZEN, WON’T OPEN"
Husband texts back: "POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER IT AND TAP GENTLY ALONG THE EDGES WITH A HAMMER"
Five minutes later wife texts husband: “COMPUTER REALLY SCREWED UP NOW”

• Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist! “Can people predict the future with cards?” Suzie asked Little Johnny. “My mother can,” said Johnny. “Really?” “Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home.” • Describe yourself in three words: Lazy • I quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil. • Definitions It may help to say the word out loud and slowly… Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s. Avoidable \uh-avoy’-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do. Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize: What a crook sees with. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \i-klips’: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper \i’-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee’-rhos: What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank \left’ bangk’: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot. Misty \miss’-tee: How golfers create divots. • These are not really jokes per se. But I hope they will make some smile. Trump tweeted a message referencing the G-20. Unfortunately he forgot to use a space after G-20. and the next word In the tweet and it looked like this: G-20.In and someone bought that URL. I won’t spoil it for you . Type G-20.in into your browser address window. One more. Google “idiot” then click on images. • I don’t want to brag but I just completed a jigsaw puzzle in one week and the box said two to four years. • My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes • The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher. “Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?” • Me: I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present! Cop: You ARE the lawyer. Me: Where’s my present? • An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey, and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked, “What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding.” The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later they passed some people who remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” So they decided they’d both walk. Soon they passed some more people who remarked, “They’re really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride.” So they both decided to ride the donkey. They passed some people who shamed them by saying, “How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.” The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey; the donkey fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story: If you attempt to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye. • How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life. Why did Frosty ask for a divorce? His wife was a total flake. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house! What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night • Two tips for you this Christmas: Forget the past, you can’t change it. Forget the present, I didn’t get you one. • The use of punctuation can really change even the simplest of sentences. For example: I drank all the wine. I drank all the punctuation. • Punctuation and carefully wording. pic hint: It’s a handwritten sign in a store that reads “Don’t touch yourself. Ask the staff. Thank you.” • WARMING!!! If youse gets a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it?!!#* It is a birus wich deactivate you spellcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Warn al1 you vriends!! • It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go pee. • It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go pee. Or laugh? • Two Irishmen were drinking in a bar. One says, “Did youknow that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?” “Aww, SHIT!” says his friend, “and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!” • A doctor opens up a clinic and hangs the following sign outside: GET TREATMENT FOR$20 – IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100 Slick Eddy thinks that this is a great opportunity to make some quick cash, so he makes an appointment. Slick Eddy: “Doctor, I have lost my sense of taste.” Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box #22 and place 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.” Slick Eddy: “Ugh!!! This is KEROSENE!!!” Doctor: “Congratulations! Your sense of taste is restored! That will be$20.”

After a few days, Slick Eddy goes back to the clinic to recover his money.

Slick Eddy: “Doctor, I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”

Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from box #22 and place 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Slick Eddy (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”

Doctor: “Congratulations! Your memory is restored! That will be $20.” Determined to get$100, Slick Eddy comes back in a week.

Slick Eddy: “Doctor, my eyesight has become very weak…I cannot see at all.”

Doctor: “I’m sorry, but I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.” Slick Eddy (staring at the banknote): “But that’s a$20 bill, not $100!” Doctor: “Congratulations! Your eyesight is restored! That will be$20.”

• WARMING!!!

If youse gets a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it?!!#* It is a birus wich deactivate you spellcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Warn al1 you vriends!!

I sent this to my friend in a text and she texted back: OK thanks.
@@

• Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

• A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

• Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

• Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

Last night my wife met me at the front door wearing nothing but a sexy negligee. She said, “Stop wearing my clothes!”

• The best jobs as a mime are all word of mouth.

• A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied, ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married’.

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’ he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied, ‘Get your own f***ing blanket!’

After a moment of silence, he farted.

• There’s more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

• I turned down an invitation to an Argentinian restaurant last week. I’m told it was really good. One of my worst missed steaks.

• sub for Limo: Man who robbed bank to get away from wife sentenced to home confinement

• Went to a job interview and the interviewer said they were looking for a responsible person.

“That’s me”, I said, “Whenever something went wrong at my last job they always said that I was responsible.”

• A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

• A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

Meh. And I’m no where close to being blonde.

• A Highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!" the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

• sub for Limo: A policeman named Rob Banks.

• Police: "I’m sorry to inform you that your son is in custody. He burned down the high school."
Parents: "Arson?"

• John: "My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn’t even use glasses."
Jack: "Wow, that is incredible!"
John: “Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle.”

• A Highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”

“NO!" the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

Better.

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