Jokes. Read one. Laugh at one. Post one.
An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on ‘Take your kid to work Day’.
As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.
Her father asked what was wrong.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
My neighbour came round and rang my doorbell at 5 am.
Luckily I was awake, practicing the drums.
A kid comes home from school and announces to his father, “I’m in the school play, I got the part of the man who’s been married for 25 years.”
His dad replied, “Never mind son, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.”
Well it’s 1 for the money
2 for the show
3 to get ready
4 for sales
5 for customer service
or press 6 to hear these options again.
Sometimes I use big words I don’t always fully understand in an effort my make myself sound more photosynthesis.
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented, “These are very good! You must have a good camera.”
He didn’t make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said, “That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots.”
I bought a TV that said “built in antenna”
I don’t even know where that is.
What did the pirate captain say on his 80th birthday?
Donna’s husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike’s obituary to read.
Donna asked the undertaker, “How much does an obituary cost?” The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DEAD."
The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike’s and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered,
"I’ll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I’ll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
Donna’s face lit up and she replied, “Great. I want it to read - MIKE IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE.”
Boss: Congratulations! I’m promoting you to manage our Montreal office!
Young man (disappointed): But sir! There’s nothing up there but hookers and hockey players.
Boss (now insulted): I’ll have you know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal!
Young man (thinking fast): No kidding? What hockey team did she play on?
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, “Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?”
Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it’s like on TV, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup’.”
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here.”
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Logan, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.
“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Logan explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good?
Why can’t you be good for nothing like your dad?"
sportsfan64 last edited by sportsfan64
I went to a psychic and knocked on her front door.
She yelled out, “Who is it?” So I left.
Burgerwars last edited by
1 = 2
george2001 last edited by
Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?
A: A desserter.
zerenia last edited by
1 = 2
But did you figure out why it really isn’t true? I’ve been throwing around variations of this “proof” for the last 40 years. Tests people for analytical thinking and does not require a deep understanding of math to figure out.
MommyOfHAndK last edited by
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
sportsfan64 last edited by
People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
please provide subtitles, we have at least one blind member.
sub for limo: One spelling mistake can destroy your life. A husband sent this to his wife : I’m having a wonderful time, wish you were her."
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
The Mrs. said I should take her to one of those fancy restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you, so I took her to Subway.
sportsfan64 last edited by
My wife says I have two faults.
I don’t listen…and something else.
I met a nice girl at a bar last night and asked her to call me when she made it home.
She must be homeless.
Jack’s mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl’s grip and said comfortingly to Jack, “There, there. She didn’t mean it. She doesn’t know that hurts.”
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, “What happened?”
“She knows now,” Jack replied.
I’m gonna go stand outside,
so if anybody asks you can just say I am outstanding.
sportsfan64 last edited by sportsfan64
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
Doctor: "Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease."
Me: "How rare?"
Doctor: “You get to pick the name.”
What’s your sodiac sign?
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface , where you have plenty ofRoom at each side. With a 5-LB potato sack in each hand, extend your armsstraight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that youcan hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB potato sacks. Then try50-LB potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a100-LB potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I 'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.